Hey sis! This is me.
The woman on my left? My mommy. I know, I know: Alexa, play Stevie Wonder’s Isn’t She Lovely. LOL She’s beautiful. Always has been. And knows it too. Trust me. Hers is the type of
striking beauty that you don’t easily forget.
Never mind the iconic afro or hourglass shaped frame, when my mother walks into a room she makes a bold statement every time. No matter the day or the hour, my mama’s presence always communicates the same message: I. Am. Here.
Storytime
You know how, in a new TV series, the first episode serves to introduce the characters to you? Well, if there’s ever a series made about my life, please consider this my mom’s introduction scene.
In my third year of high school I was required to choose an elective language course. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “A required elective? That seems contradictory, the math ain’t mathing, sis. Make it make sense.”
That’s what I said!
Unfortunately, our principal at the time did not care much for common sense so there I went, browsing through the course options and after thinking not so long and not at all hard, I settled on Spanish. I’ve always thought it’s one of the sexiest languages in the world and my only other option was German, so that was an automatic no.
My principal's poor math skills aside, I was actually looking forward to learning and okay yes, maybe more than a little excited to show off my pronunciation of “Me llamó Consuela” (which translates to: My name is Consuela) which I had of course rehearsed over the weekend, putting me ahead of the rest of my class (yes, I was that student. God was yet working on me, okay?).
Anyway, any love I had for the Spanish language was killed the moment I stepped foot into the classroom. My teacher was horrid and bitter. The kind of bitterness you would expect from a woman who’s just gotten married, only to find out her husband does not believe in female orgasms. Or someone who, after 20 years of teaching, has discovered they don’t actually like children. Yeah, that was Ms. Salvador.
On one particular morning, while sitting in class, Ms. Salvador apparently had enough of our shenanigans so she instructed the class to be quiet. Warning that if we made a sound, we would have to leave her classroom and go to the principal’s office. One thing about me: I’ve been drinking my water and minding my business since birth. I don’t bother anybody and I don’t like anybody bothering me for no reason.
Unfortunately for me, this was the exact moment one of my classmates decided to crack his knuckles over and over and over again, right behind me, knowing I can’t stand the sound. So, I turned around and quietly and politely asked him to please stop doing that. And guess what? He did, he stopped immediately and apologized profusely. End of story. Isn’t that wonderful?
Uh, hello! Have you ever been to high school? Such fairytales with kind, considerate humans do not exist there. Of course he did the absolute opposite of what I asked and proceeded to crack his knuckles even more. Upon which I turned back around and as I opened my mouth, I swear I heard thunder like Elijah did before the Lord passed by the mountain. I tried to explain myself but was promptly kicked out of the class and told I could not return for the rest of the year! Whoa, extra much? Upset yet unbothered (it’s a gift, I know), I decided to lounge in the cafeteria a bit. I’m still not sure how she knew something was up but after about 5 minutes, my mom called my phone and I proceeded to calmly explain the situation to her. She hung up on me mid-sentence and arrived at the school 20 minutes later, our poor janitor following several steps behind, trying his Betty Boop best to calm her down as she demanded I take her to see my teacher.
Now, personally I don’t like drama. Actually, let me correct that: I don’t like being involved in drama but I don’t mind watching it. “Alexa, play Human Nature by Michael Jackson”. So, I lead the way. Duh! Now, I want you to really picture this: me walking in front, low key wishing I’d brought popcorn with me to school that day to snack on, during what I already knew (because I know my people) was going to be an epic showdown, my mom behind me fuming and the janitor behind her still trying to calm her down.
When we get to the classroom, my mom knocks on the door and as Ms. Salvador opens it, mama looks her right in her face and says, eerily calm might I add: “There is a student missing from your class. Allow me to fix that!” “Consuela, go find your seat and close the door behind you.” And because I’m not an idiot, something about not biting the hand that (literally!!) feeds you, I do as I’m told and take my seat while the whole class is hoopin’ and hollerin’. To make a long story short, about 15 minutes later, my mother went back home and Ms. Salvador never returned to the classroom that day or any other day that semester. We all passed Spanish by default that year. To this day, whenever I run into someone from high school, they’ll say: “How’s your mom? I still can’t thank her enough for saving us from Spanish hell!”
And that, my dear sisters, is my mama for you.
Not a runner nor a trackstar but a winner nonetheless. A business owner, politician, boss, church pillar and a fierce defender of those she loves. Even if she sometimes forgets to defend us against herself. See, I learned early that my mama had something to prove to the world. Admitting to often feeling weak as a child and then suffering emotional and physical abuse at the hand of my father. She could often be heard saying things like: “the world is tough and when it bares its teeth, you need to be ready or you’ll be devoured.” My mother has spent a lifetime getting battle ready. And many years preparing me for just the same. Now, I’m not telling you this just to put my mama’s business out here on these Glow Up streets. I’m telling you this to help you understand that people and behavior exist in context. Context is everything and everything is context.
Legacy, legacy, legacy
My mother’s lessons to me did not take shape on a blue Monday, they were crafted over time, as a defense against the hurts and pains that she experienced in her lifetime. Out of love for me, her daughter, she did whatever she could to prevent me from experiencing that same pain. Not taking into account that I am not the same person. I am not her and I am not living her exact life, in the exact same circumstances, in the exact same moment in time. Because I am not living her exact experience, it’s very possible that not all of her lessons and her tools for living apply to my life.
Imagine a soldier in a war torn area, walking in the desert with heavy gear on, a backpack filled with survival essentials and weaponry. Because of his environment and context (he/she is a soldier at war), this heavy baggage makes sense; it’s baggage that is required for the circumstances at hand. Now imagine that same soldier, with the same heavy gear on, walking around Central Park in New York City, on a sunny Summer’s day. Does that heavy baggage still make sense?
In a similar way, sometimes parents pass down emotional tools and expectations to us, as an inheritance, trying to protect us from their pain without considering that we are humans living our own unique lives. We are not their second coming, not their second chance at living. The story of Joseph is a beautiful example of the importance and the power of context when trying to understand behavior but also a great tool to gain some insight into how emotional legacies can be passed down through generations if no conscious effort is made to stop them.
Everything is context: the story of Joseph
Puts on preacher voice
If you have your Bibles, turn with me to the book of Genesis, chapter 37.
1 Jacob lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan. 2 This is the account of Jacob’s family line. Genesis 37:1-2 (NIV)
These two verses alone are so important to the rest of the story. Genesis 37 tells the story of Joseph, the son of Jacob, who was the son of Isaac, who was the son of Abraham and so forth. And this is the account, or the context of their family. Much like my mother’s story provides context for my life, Jacob's story provides us with context for Joseph’s life and the lives of the rest of Jacob’s children.
So let’s start there.
Character analysis
Jacob
Jacob was the son of Isaac and I think it’s fair to say that he was a bit obsessed with being blessed, with being chosen first. He had a twin brother named Esau and when their mother Rebekah was pregnant with them, the two boys tussled in her womb often. During delivery, Esau came out first, essentially making him the eldest son but Jacob came out right after while holding his brother’s heel. As if to say: “oh no, you’re not. Not without me.” Throughout Jacob’s life we continue to see him fighting for first place by:
Stealing his older brother’s birthright
27 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. 28 Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. 30 He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.) 31 Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.” 32 “Look, I
am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?” 33 But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright.
Genesis 25:27-34 (NIV)
Tricking his father into giving him the first born blessing
32 His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?” “I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.” 33 Isaac trembled violently and said, “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!” 34 When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me—me too, my father!” 35 But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.” 36 Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”
Genesis 27:32-36 (NIV)
Not ‘settling’ for the eldest daughter but working 14 years total for the second child (like himself)
26 Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” 28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife.
Genesis 29:26-28 (NIV)
Fighting with an angel and refusing to let him go until he was blessed
22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till
daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
Genesis 32:22-26 (NIV)
Blessing Joseph’s youngest son over his eldest
17 When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim’s head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father’s hand to move it from Ephraim’s head to Manasseh’s head. 18 Joseph said to him, “No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head.” 19 But his father refused and said, “I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations.”
Genesis 48:17-19 (NIV)
Isaac blessed Jacob over his brother because of Jacob and his mother’s deception. But when Jacob is about to die, he blesses Joseph’s youngest son Efraim over his eldest son Manasse, on purpose. Once again going against the established order. Choosing the second child over the first, one last time. Jacob’s life seems to have been motivated by being blessed and getting to the blessing first, almost as if to rectify being born as the second son. As if he was trying to right that first ‘wrong’ by forcing it to go ‘right’ in every other area of his life.
This is Joseph’s father.
Reflection
● Assuming that Jacob was indeed uncomfortable with being first. Why do you think that was?
● Is there a ‘wrong’ that you’re trying to make right in your life?
● Can you identify a ‘wrong’ in the lives of your parents that they might be trying to right vicariously through your life?
Joseph
Joseph was the second to youngest son of Jacob and the first son of Jacob and Rachel together. Joseph is born after Jacob already has children with Leah, who is Rachel’s older sister, and with both Leah and Rachel’s servants. Now, is it me or is this family line getting messier by the minute?
Leah
Leah was Laban’s eldest daughter, Rachel’s older sister.
Now remember, Leah was given to Jacob as a wife, even though he did not love her. He loved Rachel. So, here’s this woman who was not a conventional beauty, given to a man who does not love or want her. So much so that the Lord took pity on her. Living in the same house as her younger sister who is deeply loved by Jacob. The only thing she felt she had to earn love was the fact that she could have children and Rachel could not.
Jacob’s Children
31 When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” 33 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon. 34 Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi. 35 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the LORD." So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.
Genesis 29:31-35 (NIV)
Three times Leah gave birth, just hoping that she would finally be worth Jacob’s affection. Three times she had hope, three times it did not work, her hopes were crushed. With her fourth pregnancy, she appears to have decided that she no longer wants Jacob's approval but instead praises the Lord for the baby.
Leah was Joseph’s aunt, as well as his stepmother.
Reflection
Ask yourself:
● How do you think a woman like Leah loves?
● How does a woman like Leah mother her children? Does she give them the love and respect she never received? Or does she become bitter and let that bitterness seep into her parenting?
● Does she speak ill of her sister or her husband? Or her father?
● How does she treat her sister’s children or instruct her children to treat Rachel’s children?
● What do you think changed between Leah’s third and fourth pregnancy that made her decide to give God praise instead of hoping for Jacob’s affection? Why that time?
Rachel
Rachel was the daughter of Laban, Leah’s younger sister, Jacob’s wife and the mother of Joseph & Benjamin. Rachel was a beautiful woman and Jacob fell in love with her when he came to their hometown. Jacob asked Rachel’s father for her hand in marriage and had to work for 7 years to receive her as his wife. However, Rachel’s father tricked Jacob by making him work the 7 years (basically free labor) and giving him Leah as a wife instead. Jacob then worked
another 7 years just to receive Rachel as his wife. So between the time that Jacob and Rachel met and the time when they actually married, is a period of 14 years. They are both older now and at this point Jacob is married to both sisters, one of which he has children with. Rachel has always been ‘the chosen one’. The one her father considered worthy of 14 years of labor. The pretty one and the one Jacob loved.
After having waited 14 years to marry Jacob, for a while there she was unable to have children.
30 When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”
Genesis 30:1 (NIV)
Rachel was Joseph’s mother
Reflection
● How does a woman who has always been ‘the chosen one’ feel about or react to not being able to have children? And why?
● How does a woman like that treat her sister and servants who have children by the man she loves?
● How does a woman like that treat her sister and servants' children? ● How does a woman like that raise her two sons, who are the youngest of Jacob’s children and clearly more loved by their father than his other children, because of how much Jacob loved Rachel?
Joseph’s siblings
These are the children of Leah, Leah’s servant, and Rachel’s servant. Jacob’s sons hated Joseph and Benjamin because it was clear to them that their father loved them more than he loved them.
3 Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made an ornate robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.
Genesis 37:3-4 (NIV)
Much like their mother Leah, after the brothers sold Joseph into slavery, they told Jacob that Joseph had died, was eaten by a wild animal. At this Jacob was deeply saddened and tore his clothes. All of his children came to visit him, thinking maybe now with Joseph out of the way, they will finally win their father’s favor. They came to comfort him but he did not want to be comforted. Though we don’t know for certain, we don’t see Jacob having the same intense reaction to Reuben’s death.
34 Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. 35 All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. “No,” he said, “I will continue to mourn until I join my son in the grave.” So his father wept for him.
When a famine breaks out in their land, Jacob sends the brothers to get food in Egypt, where Joseph (unbeknownst to the brother or Jacob) has been made the vice-president. When Joseph orders the brothers to return home and bring their youngest son, his blood brother Benjamin with them. They have to do this in order to get food for their families. However, when they get to Jacob and tell him what they have to do, he responds saying:
38 But Jacob said, “My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in sorrow.”
Genesis 37:34-35 (NIV)
When in fact there was not only one left.
Jacob had at least 10 more sons and more daughters. Usually when the story of Joseph is told, his brother’s hatred of him is used as an example for how sometimes people will hate you because of your big dreams and sometimes those people are your family members. However, I submit that this part of the story of Joseph is not so much about haters and more about bad parenting on Jacob’s part.
Reflection
● Have you ever gone to extreme lengths to get what you wanted?
● What are you willing to do to be loved?
A legacy of rejection
Let’s take a look at these three generations of men and what seems to connect them.
Abraham was married to Sarah, who was a beautiful woman and whom he loved dearly. However, she did not have children with him until they were both in old age. Because of this, Abraham had children with her servant, who gave birth to a son: Ishmael. When Sarah did become pregnant and gave birth to Isaac, Abraham sent Ishmael (the older son) away because he was bullying Isaac. Though we don’t know for sure why Ishmael was bullying Isaac but could it have been out of jealousy? Could it have been because Ishmael realized that he was born out of wedlock and would likely be contending with his brother for his father’s affection? Abraham assigned his legacy to Isaac (the younger son). Even though Ishmael was born first and didn’t choose to be born, God still chose Isaac over him because he was the son of Abraham’s wife.
Isaac
Was married to Rebekah, a woman he deeply loved. She too struggled to conceive and did not become pregnant until later. She gave birth to twin boys Esau and Jacob and as the boys grew up it became clear that Isaac loved Esau more than Jacob, because they had similar interests. And Rebekah loved Jacob more for the same reason. So, Jacob was left wanting deeply to win the affection of his father. So much so that he was willing to let his brother die if he hadn’t given up his birthright and so much so that he and his mother came up with a plan to deceive Isaac into giving Jacob a blessing that he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Jacob and Rebekah were more content with an insincere ‘yes’ from Isaac, than a sincere ‘no’.
Jacob
Was married to Rachel, a woman he deeply loved and worked 14 years for. Rachel too was unable to conceive at first but did eventually. In the meantime, Jacob had children with Leah and with several of the servants. The sons of Jacob who he did not have with Rachel, were the ones who found themselves contending for their father’s affection. So much so that they
were willing to kill their brother if it meant that would clear a path for Jacob’s love to come their way. And then even when Joseph was presumed dead, Jacob still rejected his other sons. So much so that the brothers knew that if both Joseph and Benjamin died, so would Jacob. His heart simply could not take that loss.
Joseph
Because of Jacob’s decision to bless Efraim over Manasse, Joseph inherited a house/bloodline that was out of order. In the same way Isaac was blessed over Ishmael, Jacob was blessed over Esau. In the same way Jacob was blessed over Esau, Joseph was blessed over his other brothers. In the same way Joseph was blessed over his brothers, Efraim was blessed over Manasse. When Joseph reached old age, the text doesn’t tell us how he went about blessing his sons and their offspring. But it does tell us that he went above and beyond to reach back to his brother and bless them, reassuring them that they would be safe and taken care of. Essentially evening the score and possibly restoring order to his bloodline.Here we clearly see the emotional and practical consequences of not being ‘chosen’ and feeling rejected by a caregiver or loved one.
Pain demands to be felt
The thing about emotional pain is that it’s bossier than a mug, okay? Emotional pain is like a super ‘Karen’ demanding to see the manager. Except, instead of demanding to see the manager, your pain demands to be consciously addressed by the one experiencing it. Even if you stuff it down in one area, it’ll come back in another. Pain is resilient like that; it will not just accept defeat. And if it is within you, it will flow from you.
For example, if you’re at Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) eating a 3-piece combo with your hands, would you touch your phone screen without wiping your hands off first? Probably not. Because you understand that if your fingers are dirty and greasy, everything you touch will become greasy because substances can be transferred to different surfaces through contact.
It’s not much different from emotional pain. If we are not conscious about wiping our hearts clean from pain and distress, we will transfer that pain to the people we interact with. This is especially important to keep in mind when we’re raising children, shaping young lives. Because our impact is even greater in that regard, we bear a big responsibility to be intentional about curating the legacies we leave behind for the next generation. To not be nonchalant about the impact of our wounds, especially on those we hold close.
Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit
15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”
John 14:15-21 (NIV)
When Jesus ascended to Heaven, He was intentional about what He left behind for us, or better yet who He left behind: The Holy Spirit, who helps us navigate this world and this life on earth. The comforter who relieves our pain and intercedes for us with the Father. Because Jesus understands the difficulties of life and also that societies, technologies and ways of living change drastically over time, He left us an all knowing and all powerful inheritance that we can use in his absence. Can you imagine if Jesus left each believer a set of carpenter’s tools that he’d received from his father? Or one of the cups that held the wine from the wedding at Cana? Though those are interesting keepsakes, it is not an adequate inheritance that is equipped to help us all on our own unique paths.
In the same way, as believers, we bear the responsibility of being conscious about our legacies and the inheritance we leave behind when we leave this earth, when we leave rooms, when we leave relationships, friendships, jobs etc.
Reflection
● Can you name one or two emotional legacies that you feel have been passed down in your family?
● What is the legacy you would ideally like to leave behind in every room you enter?
● How will you use the inheritance you have received from Jesus’ to build your own spiritual legacy?
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